What It’s Like Two Years Later

So here I am, two years after Dad passed and I’m probably still not 100% believing it’s true. I want to know and feel that I’ve grieved and the loss doesn’t hurt as much but really, I know that the Lexapro keeps me from feeling that.  (No, I don’t take it for depression but for migraines…)

Those of you who have lost know this:  you go through so many different phases of grief.  I suppose there’s a schematic to them but I seem to go through a few at a time.  Sadness, emptiness, anger, frustration…hope, happiness, belief, renewal…but they seem to be mixed up so much that I’m never quite sure if I’m raging or praising.  (Those of you who know me personally probably know what I mean…).

So, tomorrow is “the big day”.  2 years. And my memory of that day is fairly foggy – I remember the hospice nurses, giving way to Brunswick Funeral’s Jason (and someone else I don’t remember), then Bob & Ann…then the phone calls. Jim, Mike, Phyd, Tom….waiting for Jim to get here…and…then it was BUSINESS AS USUAL.  I didn’t have another opportunity to sit down and …well…just bawl my eyes out.

I could blame that on a zillion things.  But, blame doesn’t actually solve anything.  So, I’m still waiting to grieve.  I think I may spend a little time tomorrow at Dad’s “grave”.

Well, that would be the end but – here’s the thing.  I try not to get angry about things…period. But…sometimes – especially when things here at the house are getting frustrating, I feel myself wanting to yell, “Why didn’t you tell me how bad this would be?” We had no idea that cancer was the easy disease. Treatable until it isn’t. Struggle with dementia. Now, that’s a disease straight from the forces of evil. Let someone have their physical health, and yet little by little take their mind. How cruel can a disease be?

Anyway…I could do chapters on that alone. The disease in and of itself is a grieving process – you are losing someone who is actually right in front of you.  But the person you know (and frequently love) is really no longer there. But I digress…

I often think (and reflect with others) how hard it must be for people to lose a loved one and not have faith to lean on.  If I didn’t have my faith in God, and my belief that I will be with Dad at the end…and that he is with Jesus, and with other people that have passed I know and love…well, I think I’d be crazier than I already am.

In my looney fashion, Coombsy and I have a pact.  I realize she is going to be 14.  But, she’s not allowed to pass away this year.  2012 we had Dad pass.  2013 we had Chelsea pass.  I’d like a “pass away” free year here in this house.  And, I’ve chosen 2014 to be the pass-free zone.

I still have my moments.  The ones where I almost expect to hear or see him. People that sound or look like him. I pray…well, I pray all the time, but I pray that we all will be together in eternity.  But, honestly…I also have those moments where I think to myself, “Does it EVER get any easier?”

Here are a couple of songs I think could be helpful if you’re in my same situation.

Laura Story – Blessings

Francesca Battistelli – Write Your Story


About maryaquino

Food, rock and roll and greyhound lover
This entry was posted in Crazy Random Thoughts, Dad, Journaling, Music, My Thoughts and Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to What It’s Like Two Years Later

  1. Love and hugs, Mary. I will never forget that day when Dad passed nor when Mom did. The grieving process allows joy in but interrupts it with raw pain unexpectedly. I’m so grateful for the amazing love of the Lord carrying us in all this.


  2. Louise Sellers says:

    Thank you for this touching essay. I lost my mother to cancer when I was seventeen. The daily ups and downs got better but not those moments of the sudden overwhelming grief in my heart that she isn’t here to see this. Then I remind myself that although I can not physically see her does not mean she isn’t watching and being the grandmother I know she wanted to be. Her love surrounds me everyday. I miss her incredibly more than words can ever express. I have been asking myself the same thing lately… Does IT ever get easier. I don’t have any answers to that but I know she is cheering me on.


  3. mr. mary Aquino says:

    Honey….as with your dad, we will all get through this, together.you…me…your mom…and please remember….we are not alone…GOD is with us. We are never alone. He always has, and always will be with us…
    ” will I dance for you JESUS, or in awe of you be still?” ( I can only imagine- Mercy Me)
    …HE promises us..” in your life , there will be troubles….but I WILL be with you, to the end of time.”..so my beloved, you know, we will never face anything alone again….ever.
    I LOVE YOU.,-Jim


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