It’s a constant guilt trip

So, I’m feeling totally overwhelmed lately. I’m not writing this because I need pity. I’m writing for catharsis.

It’s been five years that I’ve been married to Jim, and let’s just say that’s the most solid thing in my life outside of my job. (No sarcasm meant…truly, having a couple of rocks to stand on is vital).

We’re in the anniversary stage of the year. Dad was in his decline six years ago right now. I had totally forgotten (gasp) due to some of the insanity going on around here. And I am feeling horrible for not remembering…thank you Facebook for providing annual reminders.

We seem to also be in a stage where it’s better to hide and lie about stuff than to actually ask for help here in dementia central. So, instead of telling me you need something we can go out and buy…you “make do” with crap you can find around that house that may stand in for this item. When I ask about why you’re taking piles and piles of paper towels, you tell me you put them around “things” in your bathroom. Literally “things”. That’s the word used.

I am in a constant state of guilt feelings because I get internally angry and just can’t deal so I have Jim investigate so we can find out what’s REALLY going on. I’m positive that my disgust and anger shows on my face (I am *not* a poker player) which probably sticks in the memory…what’s left of it…thus making it hard to tell me the truth…I feel like we’re just chasing our tails regularly in this house.

My “safe place” has always been cooking and baking. But now, that seems to have added close to 100 lbs to my body, and I can’t even figure out how to manage myself…there are days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I can’t do that either. I’ve got to keep on keepin’ on.

Really, I try not to use my blog to complain because there are so many positive things I could use it for…use your powers for good, not evil…for happy, not sad. But it seems that on top of a week of truly sad memories (I do miss you Lisa…and Bob) I can’t seem to pull myself out of a state of complete tailspin.

I’m hoping that by not adding a picture to this blog, it will just “sit” here and not get much notice. But I have to post it, because I have to get it “off” my desk.

Have a positive weekend. #dementiasucks #caregivinglifeishard #calgontakemeaway #iwantapuppy


About maryaquino

Food, rock and roll and greyhound lover
This entry was posted in Crazy Random Thoughts, Dad, Journaling, My Thoughts and Musings and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to It’s a constant guilt trip

  1. Coop says:

    Folks, the “We” isn’t me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kim Gillen says:

    Remember, guilt means you’ve done something WRONG. You haven’t. Your Mom hasn’t. Jim hasn’t. Therefore, guilt is a misplaced emotion in your family dynamic. It doesn’t belong there. Grief. Anger. Loneliness. Loss. Sadness. Regret. But not guilt.
    more (((hugs))) which don’t really help with the grief, anger, loneliness, loss, sadness, or regret… but maybe, just maybe, will help push aside some of that erroneous guilt.
    One day at a time.
    One roll of paper towels at a time.
    One deep breath (though maybe not in the bathroom) at a time.
    You’ve all got this – even Mom, to the best of her abilities.
    Love you guys!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jessica Johnson says:

    Mary my heart mourns with yours …. I totally understand stress eating I’ve struggled with that my whole life and taking care of your mother is very stressful. You do havea gen of a husband that loves you dearly and I’m so thankful that you do because you are right we all need a few rocks to stand on. I could tell today you were struggling and I will definitely keep you in my prayers this week. I do ask one thing of you ?? Please don’t hold your self to such ridiculous standards. You are a loving daughter who is took care of her father and now her very ill mother even when it gets hard . You may get frustrated or short but guess what your human !!! Please don’t allow the enemy to put those heavy chains of guilt on you for doing such a beautiful thing !! I love you and I pray that god renews your strength this week 😘❤️💕🙏🙏🙏🙏… from jess your favorite pancake slinger

    Liked by 1 person

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